I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
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The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
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it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize