the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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