??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
