U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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