i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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