I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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