Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
