there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
