Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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