I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
