i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
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Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
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You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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