I love black thongs
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Randomize
