Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
