she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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