When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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