Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.