My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room