How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.