He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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