if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
