Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
