sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
