I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
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