apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
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Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
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Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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