I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
