so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
