she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
