I could make wine with my vomit
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
