Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
