Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Randomize
