Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
