Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
