Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
