Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
