I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
