someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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