So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
