Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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