my phone needs a breathalizer
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
