OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
