i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
