is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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