Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
