dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
