I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
