'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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