I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
