A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
