In the future we'll all be gay
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
