Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
where are my eyebrows?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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