I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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