My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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