What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
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Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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