I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
