i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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