my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
