I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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