How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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