the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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