When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
