i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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